Microsoft® announced today that they will ship a new motorcycle by third quarter of fiscal 03. The new superbike styled motorcycle is being called “Tanis” right now, but will tentatively be called “Microsoft® Windows® Motorcycle 2003 NT®,” the “NT®” is said to stand for “Need
Testicles™,” hinting at the bikes handling characteristics. The Project was originally called “Microsoft® Windows® Motorcycle 1986 NT®,” but due to some unforeseen beta test glitches the project has fallen slightly behind schedule.
… Those problems aside, the new bike is said to be capable of 450 Mph thanks to a new internal engine bus that allows the spark plug wires to communicate directly to the spark plugs themselves, instead of going through a separate protocol stack via the headlamp system, as was first proposed. The motorcycle has been reported to handle well even though it weighs in at almost 3,523 pounds. The weight is attributed to the almost 75 million lines of code required to build the bike. Microsoft Engineers™ did state however that all the performance figures you see here were achieved using Microsoft Gas™ and on Microsoft Highways™. More software drivers will be available for roads near you soon. They will start with Interstate Highways and should be starting on State Roads in the second quarter of fiscal 2031. When not using Microsoft® verified drivers the performance figures drop to 32 Mph and 4,697 pounds, respectively.
… So far during beta testing the crotch rocket has been performing fine, although there was one fatality when beta test rider Oscar Canelo was high-sided into a guardrail when the bike “blue-screened,” a euphemism for a common occurrence encountered by the software. “It’s really nothing to worry about,” quipped one Microsoft Engineer™. “It only happens every once in a while and is easily fixed by a Cold Boot™ and a Full Re-Install™. We hope to have the product at least 75 percent (reliability) by the time we ship it.”
… In an unprecedented move, Microsoft® has instituted an EULA or “End User Licensing Agreement” that will ship with all bikes. By breaking the bag that surrounds the motorcycle, you are immediately bound by this agreement under penalty of death. The full details of this agreement are sketchy still, but there are a few basic facts we know so far. This is a single user agreement, thus if you want to carry a passenger you will either have to purchase another single user license (half of the full retail price of the motorcycle) or you will have to purchase “Microsoft® Windows® Motorcycle 2003 NT® for Servers and Multiple Riders, Professional Edition™.” One of the other undocumented features, that we know about, is that each motorcycle has a individual personal ID that allows your motorcycle to be uniquely identified by local, state and federal law enforcement authorities. The motorcycle has a real-time, full-telemetry satellite up-link with said authorities allowing them to monitor vital information like speed, RPM and your favorite ethnic food. Security pundits claim this is an invasion of privacy, but Microsoft® says it’s for our own good and we should stop whining.
… Microsoft® has also announced plans to market the new motorcycle via all motorcycle dealerships in the world by pre-loading all dealership’s inventories with the new product. Some of the older dealerships that specialize in used bikes will not suffer very much. However, all new motorcycles shipped by any manufacturer will, upon opening the crate, be overwritten by the new Microsoft® Motorcycle’s Automated Setup Program™. Some say this constitutes a monopoly but Microsoft® says that it is simply a “backward-compatibility” issue and that there is no reason to be alarmed. “Older motorcycles will simply not be able to function alongside the newer, more advanced units,” a Microsoft® spokesman said.
